Nanny Bloomberg and his wet nurses are very concerned with what people are putting in their mouths these days. After banning large soda beverages, they now turn their attention to another threat to society, Metzitzah B”Peh:
New York City Health Commissioner Dr. Thomas Farley today issued a statement strongly urging that direct oral-genital suction not be performed during Jewish ritual circumcision, and announced that several hospitals, including those serving Hasidic Jewish communities and all Health and Hospital Corporation hospitals, have agreed to distribute a brochure that describes the risk of contracting the herpes virus from this practice, known as metzitzah b’peh.
Note that Chief Wet-nurse Farley refrained from issuing a ban on Metzitzah B’peh, opting instead for a “strongly worded statement”. This may be due to an archaic law called the First Amendment, part of an ancient and infrequently invoked body of laws known as the Constitution. There is also the minor detail that the risk of danger to the baby (2 deaths out of over an estimated 100k MB”P) through MB”P is about the same as giving it Tylenol and much less than second-hand smoke, neither of which is banned.
However, this is just the beginning. A document has come to light, purportedly from the desk of Dr. Farley, featuring the next steps in the War on To Save Humanity From Themselves. Quoted in full below:
Memo: To The Mayor
From: Dr. Farley.
In accordance with your recent directive that we zero in on other potential hazardous materials and practices that may affect children, we have come up with the following:
Jewish Rituals To Be Banned:
Matzah (increased risk of gastrointestinal distress)
Cheesecake on Shavous (trampling danger due to intense pressure to get the best piece)
Prayers on the High Holidays will be cut by three hours (long prayers, especially by a professional Chazan, can lead to a 37% increase in risk of heart attack and stroke)
Lulav (paper cuts)
Sukkah (6.7 times more likely to collapse than regular house)
Chanukah Candlelighting (fire risk)
Purim Gragger (noise pollution, increased risk of senior citizen hitting children due to unauthorized cap gun discharges)
Chulent on Shabbos (increased Global Warming due to flatulence)
The following objects will no longer be permitted in houses with small children:
Small objects of any kind (choking hazard)
Food (choking hazard)
Bikes (children on bikes are 9 times more likely to fall off them than children on a couch)
Hot beverages (increased risk of burns)
Counters, chairs and tables (children on an elevated surface are 4.9 times likelier to fall than children sitting on the floor)
Toilets and bathtubs (risk of drowning)
Windows (risk of falling)
Cleaning agents of any kind (risk of poison)
Medicine (risk of poison)
All toys (choking hazard, lead exposure, mental distress due to sibling rivalry)
Parents may no longer do the following activities with their children:
Put them to sleep (SIDS)
Feed them (choking hazard)
Carry them (risk of falling)
Transport them in a motor vehicle (studies show that children in a motor vehicle are 8.9760 times more likely to be in a car crash then children at home)
Bathe them (drowning)
Have them (studies show that parents who have children are 2.4 times more likely to abuse them than parents who don’t)
The sheeple are more than willing to submit to the continued benevolence of our Mayor-for-Life and his do-gooders. We just have one request to add to the above list: No million dollar couches. 900,000? That’s fine. A Million? Too much. Deal? No?
Didn’t think so.